We all have those moments. When we feel like a failure. We made a mistake, and we don’t know how to fix it. Some mistakes are easy to fix. But some aren’t. I had a moment like that recently. Not just a moment, really. More like a day. I knew I had made a mistake. I didn’t know how to fix it. I lay there in bed contemplating how I made such a mess of things. I felt like a failure once again. I felt like my bad decision was a reflection upon my character, my abilities as a parent, as a wife, and my faithfulness as a Christian. I was consumed with regret, anger towards myself, negative thoughts, sorrow, and shame. I felt hopeless and alone. I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew God was with me and he would forgive me and give me another chance. But I knew I was in this place because of my own bad choices and I had to suffer the consequences.
Then in a whirlwind that changed. An answer came. An answer that I, honestly, hadn’t asked for searched for, or even considered was possible. I had just accepted the fact I made a bad choice and was ready to do the best I could going forth. But a solution pretty much just fell in my lap! I was happy, but more than anything, I was in shock, I believe! I don’t think I was as happy as I should have been even, just because of my total disbelief that such a huge relief had just come my way.
As I stood outside later on that beautiful warm afternoon, it was silent outside. The wind was blowing lightly. The sky looked beautiful. After over 24 hours of an array of emotions, I was filled with nothing except peace and calm. Everything felt perfect. I could feel my Saviour’s embrace around me. I could hear His words of forgiveness. I could feel His love for me. Although I did not even ask for help, He had sent it. He had delivered me from the pain and shamefulness without me ever asking.
Answered prayers are wonderful. They make us feel like God is listening. But this wasn’t even that. This was more. This was God listening to me, forgiving me, and sending me refuge. He is a loving and caring God who is always paying attention. This time, he wanted to get my attention. To remind me that He knows my needs even more than I do.
I wish I could go back to that moment, standing in the breeze, feeling His love upon me. I wish I could bottle it and keep it forever. It was the closest I have ever felt to Him. The peace and calm that was in my heart and soul in that moment were simply unmeasurable. I can only pray and hope that I continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord to the point that one day I can have that feeling on a regular, or even constant basis.